the feeling of lost...
i don't know why i'm feeling "lost" today... not lost as in i dunno what to do but lost as in, have no feeling... i'm not happy yet i'm not sad.. that kind of feeling.
i'm thinking it's because of my sleeping patterns... i should try to sleep early AND get up early... but then again, i've been with this pattern for nearly 2 months and NOW i'm feeling "lost"? so then again it might not be that... maybe its something else...
or
issit that i'm always alone until i've become numb to my feelings? i've been hanging out in my room most of the time (Streamyx rocks!!) obviously alone and when i'm out, i'm out in college in the lab all by myself ALL the time (yea.. no one seems to use the lab i'm using.. it could be said it's "abandoned") surrounded with nearly 25 pcs.. but then again i've been alone before for nearly 24 years (being the only child) and that shouldn't be a problem...
or
maybe my life isn't THAT interesting anymore.. not like how it used to be when i was a rebel during my late teenage years... but then again, being a rebel isn't everything and i know i have alot coming for me in my future..
but why am i feeling this way? isn't there anything that could satisfy me? isn't there anything out there that could make me go "wow!!"? i know i haven't been really out there in the world to even have an experience i can proudly say i have.. all that talk about the younger years are the best and it makes u who u are today is somehow false to me, yes, it has some proof to it but it doesn't make it all true either.
someone who had a terrible childhood could become a very successful adult, experiencing mostly everything. i feel it's how one takes every decision like it's the last. and even someone who had a great childhood could screw it all up and become a bum in future.
so did i have a good childhood? did i have a bad childhood? what i can say is that i did have a good and wonderful childhood during my primary years but when it came to secondary, it was all about fitting in, impressing everyone and trying to be "one" of them, being someone u are not until in the end, it didn't work and all your efforts were useless and not appreciated and u tend forget to be yourself or even know who u are. and come to think of it, because of that, it made me feel very angry inside and also loose my confidence which lead me to being a rebel, because being a rebel u ARE one of them, and u feel that u are something valuable to them eventhough u have lost your soul. and because u managed to get "in", everything and everyone seemed to be secondary. u didn't care.
thankfully i've managed to get my feet back on the ground, got my conscience back and back to reality that nothing good comes from being a rebel. i do miss the feeling of being a rebel, being needed, wanted and looked for, but i guess that could be used for better reasons in the future.
now since writing all that, i came to a conclusion that i'm in a place that is called "lingo" on earth. a place where u are not a youngster or a student and u are not an adult with serious commitments, u are no where, u are in between, u are stagnant, and that is the feeling of lost.... only time will tell if u are still there or have moved on.. only time will tell....
i'm thinking it's because of my sleeping patterns... i should try to sleep early AND get up early... but then again, i've been with this pattern for nearly 2 months and NOW i'm feeling "lost"? so then again it might not be that... maybe its something else...
or
issit that i'm always alone until i've become numb to my feelings? i've been hanging out in my room most of the time (Streamyx rocks!!) obviously alone and when i'm out, i'm out in college in the lab all by myself ALL the time (yea.. no one seems to use the lab i'm using.. it could be said it's "abandoned") surrounded with nearly 25 pcs.. but then again i've been alone before for nearly 24 years (being the only child) and that shouldn't be a problem...
or
maybe my life isn't THAT interesting anymore.. not like how it used to be when i was a rebel during my late teenage years... but then again, being a rebel isn't everything and i know i have alot coming for me in my future..
but why am i feeling this way? isn't there anything that could satisfy me? isn't there anything out there that could make me go "wow!!"? i know i haven't been really out there in the world to even have an experience i can proudly say i have.. all that talk about the younger years are the best and it makes u who u are today is somehow false to me, yes, it has some proof to it but it doesn't make it all true either.
someone who had a terrible childhood could become a very successful adult, experiencing mostly everything. i feel it's how one takes every decision like it's the last. and even someone who had a great childhood could screw it all up and become a bum in future.
so did i have a good childhood? did i have a bad childhood? what i can say is that i did have a good and wonderful childhood during my primary years but when it came to secondary, it was all about fitting in, impressing everyone and trying to be "one" of them, being someone u are not until in the end, it didn't work and all your efforts were useless and not appreciated and u tend forget to be yourself or even know who u are. and come to think of it, because of that, it made me feel very angry inside and also loose my confidence which lead me to being a rebel, because being a rebel u ARE one of them, and u feel that u are something valuable to them eventhough u have lost your soul. and because u managed to get "in", everything and everyone seemed to be secondary. u didn't care.
thankfully i've managed to get my feet back on the ground, got my conscience back and back to reality that nothing good comes from being a rebel. i do miss the feeling of being a rebel, being needed, wanted and looked for, but i guess that could be used for better reasons in the future.
now since writing all that, i came to a conclusion that i'm in a place that is called "lingo" on earth. a place where u are not a youngster or a student and u are not an adult with serious commitments, u are no where, u are in between, u are stagnant, and that is the feeling of lost.... only time will tell if u are still there or have moved on.. only time will tell....
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