Wednesday, July 09, 2008

truth hurts

its human for us to always want to hear what we want to hear and not wanting to hear the real naked truth... as far as i know, deep down, i do know the truth about myself and hearing it outloud from someone some how sounds more painful than what i'm telling myself
i'm not angry at those who has been helping me in my "down" time.. i'm just angry at myself as i KNOW what's wrong, i KNOW what i should be doing, but i some how just DON'T do it... call me stubborn, call me lazy, call me spoilt-kid... i just need that push or shall i say "enlightenment" for me to get going... again
the past month has been awful, something i couldn't control happened and being the person i am, i get lost when i loose control
i had it all planned, reaching 2 years, if there's no progression, i try something else and by 3 years or so, be someone before going home and settling down with my own family.... but now, before even reaching two years, it hit me and it shocked me and i now am lost.... but funnily, behind the back of my head, i actually know what to do... but do i do it?
looks like i'm not.... (at this moment)
hearing the truth just recently made me realised that i may not be fit being here in the heart of the country - it's something too overwhelming and something i can't really "plan" or "control"... so i guess when i get surprises like this - i'm in shock and don't really know what to do... should i give up and go crying home? no, not yet... but how long can i tahan being here?
hearing me talk about plan, control.... i was told that i should be thinking of the next 10 years... and not the next 1 year... i should have a goal on what i want to be, what i want to have - in 10 years....
and "going-with-the-flow" is not good enough... what if the flow you follow leads you to be 35 years old, just being a normal employee, not getting good enough title or the pay you're supposed to have... is that what you want? i myself am not sure.. of course you would want to be "someone"... lead, manager, own a business.... but isn't that what EVERYONE wants?
sometimes i feel i'm very hard-headed, don't want to listen to what ppl have to say, don't want to motivate myself and yet i pray to God to give me more motivation...contradicting myself right? i don't think that's right, and yet i'm not doing anything about it...
looks like i'm lousy and a looser
someone i respect somehow sees through me, it seems i'm very "obvious" that i'm a very negative person... whatever comes out from my mouth has been negative... and i wonder to myself, why have i became like that? is it because i don't hear enough praises for what i've done? is it because i'm not important enough to other people or for work? or is it because i somehow am a sadist?
as you can see, i'm confused at this moment....
i just hope i'll be back on my feet soon, be the happier, carefree, worry-less person i used to be... i too miss shimmers
all i think i can do now is pray, pray that i'll be me again... and get out of my depression

1 comment:

zslayerz said...

I think i know where u are at the moment.. somehow lost. I not any better then my fren.. At least u know what u should do rather then me, I m pointless. Well since u got a motive.. go for it, try ur best for it.
Fi.. stay on it. Grab what ever u can.