it striked again

usually i take it very briefly.... within a few hours it'd go away... but this time, it's been lingering there for days and days... tried my hardest to ignore it and push it away, but it wouldn't go... so i lost, and it got to me....

this time was bad... bad because i'm older, supposedly wiser and have not gone anywhere yet at my age.... the "other" side of me took over, i started to compare and when i did that, what i saw wasn't nice and i became worst.... i know i shouldn't but i can't help it, it's the way life is and if u're not in it, u'll loose out... loose out like how i'm loosing....

should i stay and HOPE that i will win eventually? or give up, take a big risk and leave... and not knowing if i will win in another race? should i stay in this race or not? it's hard to decide as this is my first race... and i'm not that type to "try" out the different races.... i can't, cause i don't feel i'm good enough.. or that i don't have the ability to try different races? what if i did try the other races and still be at the same position? what are the chances that i'll succeed in a race.. any race? sadly i'm not that kinda person who would take that risk...

i keep telling myself, and denying myself to feel better but infact it always comes back.. the truth comes back, the reality always strikes.... and when it does... it hurts... only the strong will be able to take that pain, and turn in into something good and positive and outdo the pain... i'm too weak... i'm not strong enough....

it hurts when u see others overtaking you... even though u've been in the race for long.... i'm trying my best to move forward but u can only move forward if there's space for you to move... how are u to move when all u see is a wall? maybe i just like staring into a wall....

then it came to mind that every problem always starts from something... so i went back to where and how i became.... i never did excel in anything. i never did stick to one and i never did finish what i started... why? because when it became difficult, i gave up, i'm a looser... those who were around didn't push me enough, is it because maybe they thought i didn't need pushing? was my mask that convincing? well too late isn't it? sigh....

didn't want to voice this out to anyone, cause i know there's nothing they can do... even if i did, it would all be words of advice and answers to the ones i already have... i know what's the problem, and i know what's the solution... the thing is now, am i strong enough to go ahead with the solution?

...... i still don't know.....

how i wish i was 12 and the only thing bothered me was does he like me?