being lost..

today....

.....today started out to be a very hot day... a day where u curse the sun and worship the cold... it puts u off from doing anything cause it's soo hot and uncomfortable, it's unbearable..

been wanting to start the day early, to go to college early but the heat and the sun (looking outside).. it's terrible!!! u could even cook an egg on the pavement... NO!! u can boil an egg in a pot with water on the pavement.. YES!! it's THAT hot!!!!

i know i shouldn't be complaining about the heat and how it prevents me from doing anything.. but it's also not the heat that's demotivating.. it's well.. everything... yes.. my mood swing is back... i'm trying to control it... i'm trying to be occupied so that it won't get to me.. but it's not enough.. it has already gotten to me..

it could be just the heat but that's just a denial excuse... it could also be because everyone's working and no time for me but that IS the TRUTH and i can't blame that.. it could also be that i haven't really got to talk to my baby for few days, but that is because he's really busy with his assignment and i can't blame him for that... so i guess it's all back to...myself..

i know i could do something different.. to cheer myself.. but i can't seem to do it.. my baby has been telling me so many times that i need to find something that i could loose myself into, just to get my head off things, be lost, clear my head, calm down and to have that motivation again to get on going. for my baby, he has computer games, me? i'm still finding for it... even though i do have hobbies but it's not strong enough to have that effect.. and the thing is, i must find it as soon as possible because the older i get the more problems and obstacles i need to go through and having that will make it easier for me but i don't... i don't have that 'thing' to straighten me out, to calm me down, to put myself back on track...

hmm.... i don't know what to say... better go get a bath and maybe i'll feel better....

sigh......