am i that bad?

in school... i've always wanted to "belong", be in a group.. be visible, be known... not actually be popular where everyone bitches about but be someone ppl know....

a few times i became so-called best friends with some girls.. but it never lasts... my first best friend was SM, we were BEST OF FRIENDS man..... it was my happiest times being with her.. we did everything together... we read the same books, we talked over the phone like nobody's business, she knew bout my family, i knew bout her family, my mum loves her, she loved my mum... everyone knew, it was Fiona and S....

then we were in a group with about 4 others or so..... and i felt la (this is coming from MY side of the story..) that AT was also becoming her best friend... somehow along the road, things happened, i was lied to, i was ignored... and somehow i saw the reason was that she had plans with her.... and that was it, it was never the same till now.... we still are on talking terms, but never the same...

i was close with CTan, we were both into Sweet Valley and wanted to create a club just like how Jessica Wakefield had a club.. what's the name of Jessica's club again? anyway she thought of the name the "Princesses" for our club... then i asked who would be in it, she listed a few girls but didn't include me.... i knew, she didn't like me at all, she was just being nice allowing me to hang out with her.. kan she popular.... sigh....

PS was a friend, we were only once in the same class in primary, then she went to the more popular class... but because we stay fairly close by, we became what u call it "after-school" best friends.... we hung out after school, went to the same tuition, went to pasar malam... but funny thing is, in school, we had our own different set of friends... never actually hung out together much.... only towards the last 2 years of high school, we were in the same class and were closer abit, though we still had our own different set of friends...

we became closer only when school ended, even though she didn't stay in our hometown, we kept in touch and i would always meet her and we would go places when she came back.... and i thank God we're still as close as before....

in the later years in school, i got close to MelT, i couldn't really remember what happened that we became distant.... but i remember us joining stuffs because we were of the same race...

then it was 2E, she was snappy, she was quick in her words and i don't know how, we became quite close too... till maybe i couldn't tahan her mulut laser, we became distant....

i was close with P most of my high school years, where we did nearly everything together.... recess together, makan together, sat in church together, went for cathecism together, though we didn't share boyfriends, but i was with her when she had probs with her bfs (and in between bfs), i was her middle person for the boy community (she was a hot babe u see, and she knows it... and i was not) and i was always to go to her hse just to hang out.... i don't know, maybe she was using me and i had NO clue... we drifted apart after we left school, she never bothered to keep in touch... and i didn't know where and how to find her...

sat next to NA in school, and i adored her! she was funky, she was loud, she was spontaneous, she was active, she was smart and she was very adorable too... i never regretted sitting next to her.... there was never a dull moment sitting next to her, and i'm glad we're best friends till now!

only after school, i became good friends with JC. somehow la we got together, had the same friends and liked the same music and what's funny is that we had the same bf problem!!! hahahah..... and i guess because of that we shared alot and became best friends.... and we still are... and i'm so glad for that...

at the same time, i started to become close friends with some boys, there was R, then KX, then TG, then K, then RW and the recent was TS.... all were close friends, hung out alot, drinking buddies, party buddies but never became close as a real bf... which i sometimes thought why not? what was wrong with me? couldn't i be your bf? but then again, i guess they just treated me like "buddies" , "one of the guys"... which i don't mind but why am i not gf material?

anyway, it doesn't really bother me cause i have my baby with me now... :)

the reason of this post is that, when i became good friends with them, i really gave them my all and i really appreciate our friendship... but they always turn their backs away from me at the end of the day.... over and over again.... and when it is over and i find out they have other friends i somehow feel hurt... jealous

i know i shouldn't be sensitive (or is that the reason we couldn't be long time friends?) everyone has their right to have which ever friends they want, and one shouldn't be jealous of that.... i keep telling myself that it's ok, u WERE their friend before, now give way to someone else, they too need their friendship.... but somehow, that feeling never stays and the jealousy creeps up.... it'll only heals when all contact is lost and when meeting them once or less than a year happens....

sigh.... am i a bad friend? a friend i can't seem to keep?

or maybe i'm just emo right now....