depression strikes back...

yes it has...

was home for the weekend.. was really feeling shitty... it was that feeling of.. "oohh.. i'm so lonely" ... "oohh.. everything is all wrong"... "oohh... no one loves me".... "oohhh no one cares for me".. and "oohhh maybe i should just dissapear or run away"... yea was that bad...

couldn't talk about it (cause there was no one to talk to) and all i did was stay in bed and occasionally cry... but then i was thinking that dad's home too so i got myself together and went downstairs... then dad told me to go to church alone cause he wanted to do some cycling.. damn!! i was thinking "even my own dad don't want to be with me!".....

when he left the house i was wondering.. maybe i should go f*** church.. but then again something tells me that i might feel better if i go... so dragged myself to get a bath and went to church.. at first it was ok.. then the priest was talking about separations (separations like when a kid goes to school for the first time and first time away from parents.. or like when a kid goes away for college or uni away from parents or friends parting just to go home from a day out or even bf/gf parting to go home or to go each others way).. that really got to me.. started to cry in church (knowing that that's how i feel bout being separated from everyone and that i'm all alone)... the cry didn't last it only lasted like 3 seconds or so.... i tried to bring myself together and stay calm till church is over....

then it got to me again... was thinking maybe i should get into an accident so that people will actually pay attention to me and come see me in hospital... but then again the logic side of me tells me that it's gonna be hayvok and a problem to my dad (car insurance, hospital bills.. no $$) so that isn't a good idea...

so i told myself.. better i go to the mall and go find for my cousin's birthday present to keep my mind off things.. so i did... but couldn't find any... i also bought dinner back for myself and dad.... by the time i got home and had dinner.. i was sort of ok... cause i had tv to watch (which always gets my head off things)...

then it came to a phone call with my baby.. i didn't want to tell him bout my depression cause he warned me about it and told me to get over it by.... (he told me so many things i could do.. but i just can't seem to get them done) and he didn't like me whining to him, he so desperate wants me to get a grip of myself and not always going to him whining to him... so that's why i didn't say anything to him bout the shit i was going through...

so instead, he was telling about some family problem which some how effects me indirectly and i started to over analyze and panic... i said to myself that maybe when the time comes, things will be different from what is expected now? with that i managed to sleep....

got up sunday...was feeling ok.... dad was around.. talking abit while cleaning his bicycle.. had nasi kandar...watched some tv.... and time came when i was supposed to go fetch mum from a talk in Penang....

went to fetch her... i dragged her to Pranging Mall... didn't want to go back to that house yet.... we walked around.. shopping for accesories for the coming wedding of my other cousin; Laura. had good dinner (i brought her to Wong Kok) and by the time she sent me back to that house.. it was 8.30pm.. ok then can't complain.. at least i got my streamyx to hang out with.... sigh...

so here i am, Monday, gonna try to drag myself out from this chair and get to college and try to get some things done for my thesis... sigh.... i hope my "source" will be online....

am i feeling better? well.. so so... but i can say that i'm trying to not "go there"...